feel · alright.

Holding hands may seem like an innocent gesture, but they show more than a simple interlocking of fingers. Your hands are one of the most essential parts of your body: you build with them, feed with them, hold with them, touch with them, fight with them; they are the tools of the human body. To take a hold of another’s hand is to break from living individually. It is to link yourself to another being, to momentarily entwine your life with another’s, to promise, for a moment, that you need not face the world alone. More simple, more aesthetically naive than other forms of affection, i.e kissing, hugging, sexing, the act of holding hands is often trivialized in its true implications. As the Beatles once said: ”All I want to do is hold your hand.”

I need to take this time to remind myself of how truly blessed my life is.

My family just adopted a puppy. Her name is Molly, she's 12 weeks old and a labrador-collie mix. There was a hole in my heart after Maggie passed over a year ago. There will always be a piece of me that misses my childhood and the 15 years of my life I spent living with Maggie. I have grieved for her and I have let myself take the time I need to really begin to think about investing my heart in another animal. And then came Molly. She has been here for 2 weeks so far and my heart is literally hers. She has quite honestly stolen my heart and I find joy in everything she does. I put her to bed in her crate tonight and sat next to her. I watched her as she tried to fight her tired eyes, and was eventually defeated as they closed slowly and she drifted off into some place blissfully happy- probably a park with tons of squirrels she can chase but never catch... As I sat there and witnessed this little animal, who has only been on this earth for less then 4 months, fall into dreamland, I really could not help but think about all of the amazing gifts life has given me.

Over and over again in my head it replays... The night I met James. The night he took me on our first date 2 years ago and he walked me to my door and he kissed me and I came inside and sat against my door for a good half hour replaying the night and wanting more and not being able to stop smiling and resisting the urge to call him to say I missed him.  I think about the journey my life has led me on so far. Everyone I have dated and had really serious feelings for in my past... they all meant something. They were all very important peices of my life that came together in a very spiratic and beautiful way to create the image of exactly what I wanted... and sometimes what I didn't want... in a boyfriend. In a man. In a lover. In a partner. You know.. when it works, love is pretty amazing. Love is alot like storytelling. When you know what you're doing, when you are creative and passionate and you have the right idea, it just transforms on its own. I am madly and helplessly in love with this boy. My God I can just remember how vivid that night was when I told him I loved him too. I just wanted to shake him and scream, "There you are! Where have you been... You don't know how long I've been waiting for you." It's been quite an easy romance. I want to realy begin building my life with this guy. I want to find that perfect place. Our first place. I want to go through the trial and errors of a relationship and really dig into the being of what we are. And in the future, if he will have me, I want to get married in a quaint romantic way and make babies and raise a family together and have a dog...or two. I just feel like for the first time, these dreams of mine are not out of reach.

Every family has their struggles. 

I feel alone. I sit here trying to put the pieces back together.

I confine myself to the compounds of my room, sitting here as the four wall close in on me. I see an island. Soft sand creeping through my toes. I close my eyes and I am there. I want to bring you with me.  Both of you. I want to have you feel the cool rush of wind as it falls on your face, taking with it all the anger and the hurt and the tears. Let the cool breeze calm your heart and ease your pains.

 No more stress. No more anger. No more fighting words.

I open my eyes and I am back here in my room. Does anybody hear me? The knot in my throat is choking me as I fight back the urge to let go.  I am alone again. Don’t you know how hard this is for me? I am not a little kid anymore, but I can still break. And you have broken me into a million pieces and the hardest part of it all is getting the strength to put myself back together.

Every family has their struggles. I want to look back at this one day and know what not to do.

No feeling has ever compared to this one. The immense amount of love my heart has for you carries me through each day. I can't even believe it's been a year. The longest steady relationship of my 22 years of life and the happiest I have ever been. You are my absolute best friend... the nights we spend just hanging out in our scrubs watching family guy making crude jokes and eating nachos. I feel like this stuff isn't real. I feel like you can't even write this... Everything about you turns me on. Your hair, your smile, your laugh, your body... You are a vision of perfection, everything and anything I could want physically in a man is you. And you have this way of making me feel so sexy all the time. God, I can't believe that I found you. There's a reason we didn't meet 8 years ago... there's a reason why you came to Wolf's party that night... there's a reason why I kissed you at your apartment... there's a reason why you stopped yourself before I left for Europe. I don't know how we got here baby but I am with you every step of the way. This life we're building together has just begun and the future looks amazing. Sometimes I see how unappreciated you are by the people you hold closest to you. I want you to know that there is nothing you can't do and for all that you do for your family and your brother and your father... you are an angel. I am so proud of the man you are today. I know I never got the chance to meet her, but I see so much of a mother's touch in everything you do. The way you treat me, your kindness towards others, your love for children and making people laugh. I wish I could have met her to tell her how lucky she is to have such a fantastic son. I wish I could tell her that you make me feel beautiful and you erase my sadness and keep me smiling every second of every day. I want you to know that I take these words very seriously. I vow to be faithful and honest to you for as long as you will have me and I will let nothing shake this relationship that we have built. I love you with all my heart, and I really mean it.